What was this year’s slogan?

☐ United in unison
☐ Together with dance
☐ Infinity War
☐ Subtitles available

Who is the most deserving winner of the last five years?

☐ Bearded lady Bond theme (2014)
☐ Stalinist war-crimes trip-hop (2016)
☐ Teenage Portuguese jazz singer in literal need of a heart operation (2017)

Which of Montenegro’s semi-finalists was most cruelly robbed of a space in the grand final?

☐ The satirical spoken-word poet who put forward the progressive case for Montenegro’s accession to the European Union (2012)
☐ The astronaut dubstep rap duo who had a sing-off with a screaming cyborg alien (2013)
☐ The topless dancer with a three-foot ponytail who sang about the necessity of contraception in casual sexual encounters (2017)

Wadde hadde dudde da?

☐ Hadder denn da wat, un wenn ja, wat hadder da?
☐ Hadder da wat, wat sonst keiner hat?
☐ Hadder dat auf dat, dat wadder da hat?
☐ Oh mein Gott

When Belarus’s Teo sang about getting tied up in a lady’s ‘sweet cheesecake’ in 2014, what was he referring to?

☐ Puzzlement about an unexpected romantic gift
☐ An unhelpful pang of nostalgia remembering an old lover’s nickname
☐ You know what he means
☐ Please don’t make me say it

Why hasn’t the UK won the competition since 1997?

☐ Biased juries
☐ Never got over Diana
☐ Fundamental misunderstanding of how the competition works now that forty-six countries participate each year
☐ Brexit

How are they changing the scoring this year?

☐ Countries A–L act as juries; countries M–Z get televote
☐ Bonus points awarded for Abba references
☐ They will now score ‘in the Slovenian manner’

Listen to your _____?

☐ Heartbeat
☐ Rhythm
☐ Mother

Why is Australia in a European song contest?

☐ Why is Israel?
☐ Why is Azerbaijan?
☐ Why is Armenia?
☐ Why is this in a literary magazine?

When are you really making love now?

☐ In the morning
☐ When the sun shines
☐ Down on your body

Who is Russia mad at this time?

☐ Ireland, for featuring a same-sex couple in its promotional video
☐ The UK, for instigating an international purge of Russian diplomats
☐ France, for its budding bromance with Trump
☐ Ukraine, still

What happens if I vote before the lines open?

☐ Your vote may not be counted
☐ You may still be charged
☐ You risk causing a power surge in Tbilisi

Which is preferable?

☐ A continent at war with itself
☐ Another sixty years of Eurovision